People learn through observing others. They do it so they can work out how to be successful, or to survive. They do it so they can emulate them, or avoid their mistakes. When we are leaders, it means they are observing us and making judgments about whether to be like us, or not.
So, what can we do to be the kind of leader that people want to emulate?
Firstly, we need to focus on what people are taking away from how we act and react. Do we behave in line with what we say is important? For example, do we say ‘customer is king' and yet always choose the cheapest option regardless of the customer?
What happens when we are under pressure? If we look around and our teams have disappeared, perhaps we should look at ourselves. Are they hiding from us and what they expect our reaction to be?
What are we like when we are winning? Do our people feel like they are winning too? I observed a leader recently who'd had a big success with help from her team, but the only information she shared was about what she herself had achieved. Her team learnt about where the credit for success goes, and where loyalty and hard work will (or won't) take you.
The fabulous American poet and author Maya Angelou said that "people will never forget how you made them feel." I remember leading a team when things weren't going well. I was too focused on the problems and not on the people - so the people were nervous and defensive. Fortunately, someone held a mirror to me and from that point on, I made sure we included time for the positives and celebrated the successes, regardless of the challenges. The mood became lighter and team more energised.
People have always used stories and fairy tales as a guide to how we should be. As leaders, we become characters in the stories that our people tell, and those stories are being written and rewritten as we act, react and engage with others. Our people will talk about those leaders they want to emulate, and they'll share the horror stories of those they want to avoid.
As role models, our behaviour and how we make others feel is what will determine the character we play in their stories. Will we be the evil stepmother making everything worse? Or the rogue, making decisions out of self-interest and cheating others? Perhaps we will be the wise prince, sharing wisdom benevolently, or the fairy godmother, providing support and encouragement when it matters the most.
If we pay attention to the stories that are being crafted around us, we can be teaching people we haven't even met, long after we have moved on.
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